Indecision and Disinterest

My sleep has cycle has pretty much officially inverted itself, and ever since I awoke at 12:30 in the morning, not knowing what time or even day that it was, I haven’t been able to properly get my footing.

I’ve started 4 movies. Read some news. Sketched some more on a mountain range I am working on. Tried to nap. Listened to music. I couldn’t even decide on a song, and I found myself switching mid track (which is very unlike me). Getting out of bed just to go to the bathroom has required a back and forth battle of wills inside my mind, between the part of me that wants to waste away in this bed, and the part of me that really wants to frigging pee, not to mention see the sunlight once in a while.

Even the decision to blog was made halfheartedly.

When trying to explain the feeling earlier, I almost used the word ambivalent, but then I kept sticking on something I had heard in a movie a while ago. Most people use the word ambivalence to convey a disinterested noncommittal feeling, but in truth, right down to it’s origin, ambi, like ambidextrous, indicates two. It is not disinterest or apathy, it is often actually feeling strongly, but in multiple, sometimes dichotomous ways.

The point of contention that I had with the word is it’s implication of feeling apathetic. I don’t feel apathetic. I feel pulled in too many directions all at once to be able to settle on any given one, and the feeling is strong and disturbing. It’s like an inability to find temporary contentment in anything because I need contentment in too many things.

Even now, I keep pulling away from the keyboard. To chat with the sub, or to respond to a message on kik, or to just let my eyes wander about the room. There is a certain irony in trying to be interested in disinterest enough to write about it as a means of trying to cure myself of my disinterest.

How can curiosity, which is practically synonymous with interest, lead to disinterest? It’s like a conceptual application of the law of diminishing returns. The more interest I have, the less interest I can maintain.

Does this answer anything? Does it bring me any closer to knowing what I need or want to do?

Nope. But I will over-interested-ly post it anyway.

An Anonymous Outsider

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