2+2= Hot, Scary Energy and Power Exchange (NSFW)

So, the sub and I are in negotiations for a scene with another local couple who is into a specific fetish/roleplay style of ours. It should be interesting… despite our normal roles, in this instance we would be switching (for the uninitiated, that means that instead of our usual “I am the Dom, he is the sub”, we would temporarily be switching to him topping and me bottoming). There is nothing unusual about us switching (I am a Dominant in a lifestyle capacity, but I switch with play, and he is a Dominant leaning switch who just happens to be submissive to me in a lifestyle capacity, so he still tops me as well). But playing with another couple, especially with me bottoming, is sexy and scary all at once.

The sexy, if you’re into such things, should be obvious. The scary is more personal and more embarrassing (as such things tend to be). A big part of it stems from the memories of my abuse resurfacing over the past couple of years. One effect of the memories return was a surge of panic when someone touches my genitals. I have managed to overcome this to some degree with the hub and the sub, but even then, it is more that I have learned to fight through the panic and calm down to some degree, rather than that I have actually stopped having that kind of panic response. The other major effect that the memories coming back had was making me absolutely phobic of showers, baths, and the entire bathing process. Depending on how bad the panic gets, it can be weeks between standard baths or showers, leaving me to rely on baby wipes and sponge baths to get through the in between times. I also have a mild skin condition that prevents me from shaving, at least frequently. There are painful repercussions whenever I do shave, so in general, I do not. I’m multigendered and the hub and the sub don’t mind me having leg and armpit hair anyway, let alone pubic hair. The lack of shaving and and having not “picture perfect” private parts aren’t normally a big deal, but because I always have such problems with real showers, I am self conscious and nervous about playing with new people. What if they judge me? What if they don’t understand?

If I were in a Dominant role with a scene like this, there wouldn’t be nearly as much fear involved. But one of my biggest fears is showing vulnerability, and being seen exposed and feeling vulnerable. Which is exactly what good submission is and does.

That’s part of why I am doing it. The fear is part of the submission, part of the gift, part of the sacrifice. Facing my fears in order to please him and bring him pleasure, allowing myself to be exposed and laid bare in all the ways I fear, for no other reason than because it will show my obedience and make him smile knowing that I was willing to push myself so far for him.

It’s common in the lifestyle to hear that submission is a gift. Having lived on both sides of the slash, as both a slave and a Master/Mistress, I have thought a lot about this. I agree, though I disagree with the implications that such a statement makes by itself, when not given context. Alone it seems to imply a one-sided-ness that I do not believe to be accurate: power exchange is a gift in and from both directions. If it’s being done properly (God, I sound like the safety police) the Dominant and the submissive are both giving of themselves, and putting themselves out on an emotional limb, stabilized by one another. Viewed in that light, Dominance is also a gift. Power exchange isn’t one sided; It’s a holiday gift exchange, not a birthday party.

Given that we switch with play, my relationship with “the sub” becomes even more cyclical, as we each alternate giving our dominant and submissive energies. I use the word energy here in all it’s forms, as it is everything from a psychic kind of energy to an electric kind of energy to an activity that requires major effort and energy burn to pull off well. From both parties, every time. It can be a very draining process, especially with all the back and forth, and we do what we can to try to minimize the stress that can come from being on such a teeter totter.

An opportunity like this is really exciting. And there’s a reason that in many languages, excited and apprehensive are one word.

An Anonymous Outsider

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