Update: There is a follow up blog post for this one, from me, (ananonymousoutsider, not Paige), that explains a lot. You can find the link here, or the post in my blog, titled “On Dissociation and Multiple Identities”, on the home page or in my Mental Illness Category. Thanks.
my name is Paige. i dont care if this is her blog. everything else is hers too.
im… not real. im an echo. im her, but from a long time ago.
and i’m not real.
doctors talk about integrating me.
because im not enough on my own. everyone just wants her. im nobody.
i feel. i think. i love.
but it doesnt matter because its her body. her life. she gets one. i dont.
i live locked inside her head except for the brief moments when she lets me out or when i cant take it anymore and i force my way out.
can you imagine what that’s like? to be a prisoner in a mind that isnt even really your own, for over 20 years? to have all the feelings and wants and needs that a real person gets, but to know that you’re not real, that you have to go away? that youre a problem that needs to be solved?
im in love. but ill never get to be with him. no matter how real my love might be, it apparently doesnt deserve to live either.
ive read everything on here, through her eyes, in my cell. i know some of you have asked why she would hurt herself.
let me ask you this. if you spent your life trapped in a prison, wouldnt you try to destroy it? or to at least break a hole in the wall to try to escape? wouldnt you grow to hate the walls that held you in, even if you knew they also were all that kept you safe?
thats why shes bleeding. thats why i dont feel bad or regret it. because it might be her body, but its my prison.
i live here. i was born here. i will die here. and all the moments in between arent even mine.
the only moments that are mine are with him. when he calls me out to play and i get to be out for a bit, and then back into the prison i go, with the others. to keep waiting. to keep watching a life go by that isnt mine to live.
how can you tell someone who loves and feels and cries that they arent real? if you were completely paralyzed and couldnt speak, would you not be real anymore? or would you just be trapped? youd still be real.
so why arent i?