Well, the dismissive answer would be that this blog would be it. My closest friends and family know I have a blog, but they don’t know the address and don’t ask for it, respecting my need for a private outlet. Everything I write here has some element of being unable to be written anywhere else with my name stamped on it.
I know that is a 100% true answer, and also a 100% cop out. I have so many secrets it’s hard to pick one. As I believe someone said of Nick Fury from the Avengers, his secrets have secrets. That’s me.
I guess the biggest secret is the one that I don’t know: what is actually wrong with my mind. Over the years, I have been to dozens of psychiatrists/psychologists/social workers/therapists/pastors/counselors ad infinitum. I don’t like to talk about my diagnoses because A) most are outdated and/or inaccurate, and B) the ones that are correct or damn near close are painfully exposing to admit to. So this is me, taking my clothes off, baring myself.
These are various diagnoses I have been given (mental illness only), over the years.
- Borderline Personality Disorder (noooope: this was one of the first posited answers when I first sought psychiatric help.)
- Severe Bi-Polar Disorder (looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and yet, is not quite a duck. Maybe a goose?)
- Multiple Personality Disorder (This diagnosis was made before MPD was integrated into DID, and DID seems to encompass the reality of it more, though it is still far from complete)
- Chronic Atypical Major Depressive Disorder (close but no cigar)
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder (incorrect, I fall more into the panic and/or OCD spectrums.)
- Schizotypal personality disorder (frightening close at first glance, but upon closer inspection, way off.)
- Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (I will totally own that, yes.)
- PTSD (I won’t contest that either, though I think it is more complex than than our current understanding of it.)
- Dissociative Identity Disorder (it took me a long time to admit this to myself, but, yes.)
I also have a variety of symptoms that are not covered by any of these. So yeah. I guess that’s my biggest secret. The secret I’ve even somehow kept from me.
Thanks for reading, and please leave feedback and questions down below.