I don’t have the time to be blogging right now. I have so many huge issues to deal with right now, on a clock. And I’m freaking the fuck out. Which is why I’m blogging anyway.
The extremely shortened version is that I went to bed last night planning on going to work in the morning, and now tomorrow morning I am telling my manager my business is moving out/closing. That’s the short version.
There is an extremely sensitive situation between my kiddo and the child of another vendor at the market where I work. Sensitive enough that even on an anonymous blog, I have to keep it vague. We (the parents) are friends. We had, among many other agreements, arranged that our kids would not have any contact with one another, for my son’s emotional well-being.
After a month of working together to coordinate schedules, the other vendor, who we will be calling Isaac, wasn’t able to find any childcare for his kid one day and we were left with no other choice than to not open our business that day at all because our logistics had accounted for us being able to bring our kiddo to work. He didn’t tell us until the day of.
That was last week. Yesterday he and I were talking and he told me he had addressed the situation with his child, which I thought had happened over a month ago, per our agreement. He continued to talk about it, and went on to say something along the lines of “it doesn’t matter who started it or who went along with it, both kids need to…”
I froze. Like time stopped. I don’t even know how he finished that sentence, or the others that followed it. At first I just couldn’t believe that he was actually placing blame equally, as if telling two siblings to stop poking each other in the back seat of a car or something. But he was; he was no longer the apologetic parent, suddenly he was acting like my son was a participant, not a victim. And he just kept going. “Kids will be kids” and “There’s plenty of blame to go around”.
I couldn’t speak. Isaac tends to not pick up on social cues very well, and continued to talk, all of which fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t even fully there anymore. I was in literal shock. Finally a customer needed him and I walked away in a stupor. Fragments of what he had said rolled across my mind like tumbleweeds. I immediately went back to my shop, and we closed 2 hours early.
My anger had blossomed by the time we got home. I spent the night ranting to the hub and the sub. Before my mom went to bed, when we had a private moment, I asked her to pray for me, that God would give me insight into what I needed to do. I wouldn’t tell her what had happened, but she understood that God would know, and she and her mountain of faith went to her room to pray and sleep.
I cried myself to sleep. When the hub woke me up this morning for work, I immediately started talking about it, not ranting this time, but with a calm that barely felt like it belonged to me.
We have to close up shop. Re-open somewhere else, or perhaps try to sell our merchandise online. It doesn’t matter. I can’t work at a place where my son will be in an environment in which the kid who victimized him could basically show up at any given time, since “Isaac” was now blowing the whole thing off like it was no big deal. I would have to stop letting the kiddo come to the market entirely, which would mean he would barely see me. That’s not an option.
So, here we are. Closing. Hopefully continuing to do business somewhere else or online, but my shop, my business, my home away from home, is closing. And the worst part is that I have to lie. To all my vendor friends, people who have become like family these past 2 years. To management. To my customers.
And worse than all of those, I have to lie to my son. I can’t tell him the truth. He would see it as “Mommy had to close her business because of what happened to me”, and he would blame himself. I can’t and won’t let that happen.
I will gladly lie to everyone who will listen and tell them that my business failed because we weren’t making it financially. I will smile self-depricatingly while they give their condolences to my business, knowing that once I’m out of earshot, they will be saying how they knew we wouldn’t make it, that I was way too young to be smart enough to run a business.
I will gladly take it, because there is no way in hell I will let ANYONE make my kiddo feel for a moment that it was his fault. Least of all “Isaac”, who will be in serious fucking danger if he breathes another word of that victim-shaming bullshit about my son in my presence again.
I have so many decisions to make tonight. I think I’ve gotten all the feelings out I can squeeze right now.
Thanks for listening, folks.