A note to future me. Interesting. Day 5, A note to past me, was the question I was most afraid of, but I’m finding this one more difficult to get started. Similar age issue to Day 5, so I’m going to sidestep that and assume that this is me at the end of my life, as “Past me” was at the beginning of my life.
Dear Future Me
Congratulations! You’ve made it! To anyone reading this other than you and I, Future me, that may seem to be an odd sentiment to say on someone’s deathbed, but you and I know better.
Our biggest goal in life has always been, strangely, to die of natural to semi natural causes. Basically, for time or disease or accident to bring about our end, as opposed to dying at our own hands. So, sincerely, congratulations, Future Me. I know this is one goalpost that you will definitively reach: Life will have to be torn away from you, you are never going to let it go willingly. That is our ultimate victory, that we’ve been fighting for since being 8 years old. The victory that validates all the others. So congratulations. Only you and I can really know what an achievement that was, just how much endurance and perseverance that took.
A lot of things can happen between when I am writing this and when you are reading it. So I guess I will tell you what I hope is true of you now, at the end of your life.
I hope that you stayed smart enough to never let go of the hub. He should be with you through your whole journey, and that is what you both want and need. I hope both of you remembered that throughout anything else that came your way, and that you fought through everything together.
I hope you learned to get out of your room more. I hope you were able to continue improving the quantity of time you were able the spend with the kiddo. If you didn’t, I might have to time travel to you and throttle you, thus cancelling out our whole “ultimate achievement”, thing. So don’t make me do that. Stick with it. I hope you learned to dwell less on the guilt so you could spend that energy fixing the problem.
I hope that whether our business succeeded or failed, that you continued to do things you were passionate about, wherever life took you. I hope you found comfort in small things and didn’t shy away from big challenges. I hope you lived each day with a hunger for life that could never be sated, no matter the pains and difficulties you suffered along the way.
I hope you learned to be kinder to yourself than you are now. That you learned to express anger that I still can’t seem to get out of my(our)self. I hope you remained principled in a world that doesn’t seem to build pillars that they hold themselves to. I hope you never gave up on God, even in the times that your relationship with Him was so filled with anger and doubt that you wanted to. I hope that you never stopped creating things, from sentences to artwork to structures and systems that only seemed apparent to us. I hope you never stopped having a “journey, not destination” attitude with BDSM, that you continued to allow yourself the room to grow and evolve and change.
I hope you never let yourself be put cleanly into any box, because we both know that we are far too complex for that.
I hope you never lost your passion for reading, getting lost in other worlds that sometimes felt just as real as this one.
I hope that you raised the kiddo right. I hope that we both did. I question constantly whether we are doing this right, and I hope that you did.
Sleep well, knowing that it was a life well spent and a job well done.
An Anonymous Outsider (you know who you are)