4 a.m. Thoughts

I’m not sure what to post about tonight, but I’m feeling the urge anyway. So forgive the following ramblings, if they do turn out to be ramblings.

I have several blog post ideas bouncing around in my head, but none feel quite done with the bouncing process and ready for the writing process. In school, having to write first/second/etc drafts on everything drove me insane, because I’m more the type to write something in my head and then hit the keyboard or notebook once it’s mostly written in my head. It’s just the natural way my brain has always written. So, here we are, 4 am ramblings.

I started this blog with the blatant intent of keeping it completely anonymous (See: An Anonymous Outsider, my introductory blog post). That hasn’t changed. But I (as always) have more to share, and so I figured I would write some facts about myself and who I am, not my name or external, known identity, but about who I am.

I am a rebel and a rabble-rouser: I cannot sit idly by when I see intolerance or injustice, even when it’s in my best interests to keep my nose out of it.

While much of my life has been defined by mental illness, I am not, nor will I ever be, defined by it myself. It’s an important distinction.

I gave up on fitting in a long time ago, and go against the tide instinctively.

I cry at movies. Like, as an adult, I still cry when I watch Beauty and the Beast, and not just because the kiddo is making me watch it for the zillionth time. I’m very emotionally affected by media of pretty much all kinds, and I’m very empathetic. So, bring on the water works.

After a childhood filled with shame over being a uniquely flawed/evil abomination, I was lucky enough to discover the BDSM community and that I had not invented it from scratch. Finding others’ like me genuinely saved my life.

I have trouble understanding that others’ don’t understand a concept sometimes because I thought such understanding was just built in; the first time (at around age 5), when listening to my father (a mathematics professor) and a pastor discuss infinity and how the human brain, being finite, could not completely grasp such a concept, I was confused because it had made sense to me inherently as soon as it was defined for me. I am still confused by the fact that my brain so easily accepts something that others reject like they are on acid watching a zoom of a Mandelbrot fractal.

I have synesthesia, and had no idea until well into my adulthood. I thought that the number 40 was a deep red color for everyone, and that seeing music in 3D was the norm. It’s a quirk of my brain functioning that I consider an absolute blessing. You think music is good? Try seeing it in 3D while you listen. It’s awesome.

I’ve survived multiple kinds of abuse at the hands of more than one perpetrator, both in my childhood and in the form of isolated assaults as an adult. I have forgiven all but one of those people.

I live with suicidal thoughts nearly every day, and have since I was about 8 years old. My father dying had the unexpected effect of making me suicide-proof. Living with both of those facts of my existence is quite an interesting balancing act.

I was the child in the schoolyard trying to convert the other kids to Christianity to save their souls, and I have been the adult who believed in God and actively hated Him fervently. I’ve also spent time at pretty much every point in between. My current belief system is an amalgamation of relationship based Christianity (as opposed to religion based), and quantum mechanics, a field I’ve been fascinated by since I first was exposed to it when I was 15.

I didn’t know how to express that I was multigendered for the majority of my life because I had no term for it.

I love politics (particularly electoral strategy), and wanted to make a career out of it until I remembered I am obsessed with honesty and have ethics. Maybe next lifetime.

That’s all for now, folks. If you have any questions about anything I posted (both here or in other posts), don’t hesitate to comment with questions. I’m anonymous, but very much an open book.

An Anonymous Outsider

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